Christmas at the Safe House
by rjones2818
Summary: Santa pays a visit, so will Relena. 1x2, 3x4, SantaxMrs. Claus, 5 alone. Relena bashing.
1. Default Chapter

Christmas at the Safe House  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own GW...doing this for fun...sort of.  
  
-Begin Story-  
  
Santa landed his sleigh on the roof of the Gundam boiz safe house. This was fairly easy as the safe house was one of Quatre Rebarba Barton-Winner's mansions. It had a flat rooftop and ran for over 300 feet and was 60 feet wide. An open bale of hay lay in front of the reindeer. Santa walked over and looked at a note which was sticking out from the hay. It read "Dear Santa, I thought since you probably have had lots of milk and cookies by now that your reindeer would appreciate a treat. Love, Quatre." Santa smiled and shook his head. He pointed the reindeer in the direction of the hay. He hoped that the food wouldn't go through their systems too quickly. The jolly old elf then grabbed his sack of presents and headed toward the chimney. He paused for just a moment, steeling himself for what, or better, who waited for him just in front of the fireplace. His resolve strengthened, Santa hopped down the chimney.  
  
After Santa had landed and straightened himself out, he looked at the sofa in front of him. A voice said "So Claus, we meet again." Santa looked at the youth sitting on the sofa. At least this year he didn't have his gun drawn, although it was sitting on the table next to the sofa.  
  
"Ah, Heero, greetings. I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long."  
  
Heero Yuy, who was wearing a tank top that said "Blow Me..." on the front with "...UP!" with a mushroom cloud on the back as well as Pikachu Underoos, looked at the man in red and said "I can never be too careful when it comes to my friends."  
  
"One of your more admirable traits, Heero." Santa did actually admire Heero for the strides he had made since they had first met. Was it really three years since that unfortunate incident with the Molitov Cocktail? "I'll let you inspect the gifts like always."  
  
Heero looked at the fat man in front of him. Other than the fact that his eyebrows had finally grown all the way back, Santa was as Heero remembered. As the gifts were laid out on the table, the Japanese pilot smiled as he guessed what was for whom.  
  
"Let's see, a bottle of cherry flavored Astro-Glide."  
  
"That's for Quatre."  
  
"Right you are, Heero. Cherry's Trowa's favorite flavor. Next up is the 'My Little Pony Meets Mulan' DVD."  
  
"That's easy: Wufei."  
  
"It's number 78 in his 'My Little Pony' collection we're not supposed to know about. Ah, the collected cast recordings of 'A Little Night Music."  
  
"That's for Trowa."  
  
"Sondheim was a good composer. Here's ten pounds each of Twizzlers and Pixie Stix."  
  
Heero looked slightly aghast. "I suppose that's for Duo."  
  
"Have courage, my boy. And finally one twenty-one and three-quarters ounce lump of coal."  
  
Heero's eyes lighted up. "Thanks, Santa"  
  
Santa was amazed at how happy the young pilot looked at such a simple gift. "I can only imagine who that's really for, so I brought you something more." Santa reached into the bag and handed Heero the item.  
  
"You...you shouldn't have." A tear made its way down Heero's cheek as he grasped the hand held 125,000 volt radar guided and heat seeking Taser with a range of twelve miles. Heero went up to Santa and hugged him fiercely.   
  
Santa patted Heero on the head and smiled. "You've actually been a very good boy this year, Heero. And I like the way my eyebrows grew back in. They were too much like Dorothy's before."  
  
Heero chuckled as he let go of Santa. "Thanks Santa. There's milk and cookies in the kitchen." Heero then put down his Taser and headed up to the bedroom he shared with Duo.  
  
"I bet Duo gets an early Christmas present right now" Santa smirked. He took a bite of the cookie that lay before him and drank the milk, not knowing that it was made by Duo. "Hmmm" he thought to himself "that was tasty."  
  
Santa then headed back to the fireplace and just before he left he thought "Y'know, Mrs. Claus just might get an early Christmas gift, too, when I get home." Santa then went up the chimney.  
  
-End Chapter- 


	2. Christmas Day

Christmas Day  
  
Disclaimer – See Chapter 1  
  
-Begin Chapter-  
  
Four Gundam pilots woke at the same time with a start. There was a loud "Whoo-hoo" from the den, and needless to say it came from Duo. Heero was at least prepared for what he would face when he got downstairs. The others just stared at the braided wonder. Duo had a dozen Twizzlers hanging out of his mouth and had two pixie stix sticking out of his nose. And he was snorting the Pixie Sticks. Heero also noticed that there were already eight empty stix on the floor.  
  
While Wufei, Trowa and Quatre stared and began to comprehend what their Christmas morning was going to be like, Heero approached his koi and said gently "That's enough for now, Duo. You don't want to pass out before all of the presents are open."  
  
Duo, who was already shaking from his sugar high looked at his Japanese lover for a moment and nodded in agreement. After all, there were at least a thousand Pixie Stix left and more than enough Twizzlers to last the day. Duo allowed Heero, who had grabbed his lump of coal, to lead him to the sofa and they both sat down.  
  
Quatre reached his stocking first, and when he grabbed the lube he looked a little bewildered. The blond boy hadn't asked Santa for anything, and yet he had this bottle of cherry flavored lube. Quatre shook his head a little, because he already had lube. It was then that Trowa reached the fireplace mantel and said "Oh, my favorite flavor!" Quatre smiled and blushed slightly as he put the bottle in his pants pocket for later use.   
  
Trowa, for all of his calmness, let out a slight eep of excitement when he saw his presents. After kissing Quatre, he hurried over to the sound system and loaded all of the discs. Soon, the sounds of 'Send in the Clowns' filled the room.  
  
All they other boys saw as Wufei got his gift from Santa was the Chinese pilot hurriedly rushing toward his room yelling "Mine...all mine!"  
  
The pilots, minus Wufei, then began to exchange their presents. Most notable was the pair of steel toed combat boots that Heero gave Quatre.  
  
"They're very practical. How thoughtful." Quatre didn't have a pair of combat boots, so he was very happy with Heero's gift.  
  
"You don't know the half of it." Heero smirked. He knew that Trowa, who was now slightly drooling while looking at Cat, had a thing for men in boots, and the fact the the footwear were steel-toed might come in handy later if Quatre kept them on.  
  
Trowa looked very happy with his three new turtlenecks, Duo was fascinated by his three packs of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and Heero smiled at his new laptop, Glock and silencer. All four of the boys were very thankful for each other and for Santa. They heard sounds of Wufei's bed rocking back and forth along with loud moaning, and they decided that he would agree with them.  
  
Quatre finally got up and announced he was going to fix Christmas breakfast, although he was walking askance as he was not used to wearing boots. Trowa followed like the horny young man he was. Duo smirked and whispered to Heero "I think it'll be more like Lunch by the time Trowa's though. Speaking of Hee-chan, I don't think Wufei will be bothering us anytime soon and...."  
  
Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the door.  
  
"Hide!" Heero commanded. The other three pilots did as Heero insisted. Heero then called out toward the door "It's unlocked, come on in."  
  
Pagen opened the door and brought in Relena's gifts to the G-boiz. Relena herself entered and looked on wearily, remembering last year's incident with the pail of water. Fortunately, the scar that was left ran right along her part line and wasn't noticeable. "Here, you go Pagen." Relena handed her long-time retainer a quarter and then said "You may wait in the limo." Pagen, surmising what was about to happen and not wanting to have to climb those 44 steps down to the car immediately, just stood to the side of the doorway.  
  
Relena stood in the doorway and said in her sexiest screech "Heeeeeerooooo, I'm here just like you asked me to be." She then pulled open her coat to reveal that she was not wearing any clothing underneath. She held onto the doorknob to steady herself. Simultaneously, Duo, Quatre and Trowa covered their mouths and tried not to gag.   
  
Without warning, Heero stood and threw his lump of coal at the Her Naked Pinkness (sorry...I just had to write that). As you would expect, his aim was true and the lump smacked Relena right between the eyes. The ruler of the Sanc Kingdom only had time to blink before losing consciousness. Unfortunately for her, her grip on the doorknob, although now loosened, managed to turn her in such a way that kept her from collapsing in the doorway. Indeed, she collapsed and started to fall down those 44 steps.  
  
The four pilots rushed to the doorway to watch the goings on. Pagen just watched with dignified amusement. Relena had hit every step down to number 22, which was not quite the size of a landing. It looked like her body might stay there, but it started rolling down the hill toward the limo and...  
  
"Not my prize winning rose bush!" Quatre yelled in horror.  
  
Relena indeed rolled into the rose bush, almost uprooting the poor plant.  
  
"You stupid lump of wasted flesh!" Quatre was now in Zero mode and ran down the hill toward Relena's slumped body. The young Arabian then started to put his new boots, his new steel-toed combat boots, to good use, kicking Relena over and over until her bruised and battered body was away from the rose bush.  
  
Pagen let out a slight chuckle and started to head down the stairs when Trowa stopped him. "Pagen, Merry Christmas!"   
  
Pagen looked at the tall pilot with surprise and took the gifts. One was a gold Rolex, which was from Duo. Inscribed on the back was "Happy Graduation son, AC 193."  
  
Relena's man-servant looked at Duo, smiled knowingly and said "My parents were both 98 in 193." Duo grinned wildly.  
  
Trowa's gift was a four week trip to Monte Carlo, which Pagen thought would be a nice vacation. "Thank you Trowa, I don't think Relena will be needing me for about a month now, anyway. I could use the time off." Trowa nodded.  
  
Heero's gift was a little electronic gizmo. Pagen looked at the boy who would never be Relena's husband with knit brows. Heero said "I guarantee that you will win at electronic slots every 5th pull of the arm. And it's undetectable, although I wouldn't use it enough to bring you under scrutiny." Pagen smiled, for he knew Heero's prowess with electronics. He might actually not be broke by the time his vacation was over.  
  
Quatre, who by now had climbed back up to the doorway, handed Pagen a check for $100,000. Pagen's eyes widened at the sight. "Now Pagen, I know what a good man-servant should be paid. You're loyalty to Relena, although unfathomable, is much to be admired. Here's about what you've been shorted in salary for the past ten years.  
  
Pagen thanked the boiz profusely, although in a dignified manner, and then asked "Do you have a preferred destination for Miss Relena?"  
  
Heero chuckled and said "Dorothy's!"  
  
Dorothy had received her gifts from the pilots yesterday. Included were a green tank top, spandex shorts, a strap on, and several vials of liquid with accompanying needles. When she asked what the gifts were for, Heero had answered "We think you'll be getting a visit from Relena tomorrow. The vials are some of Duo's special mix of pain medication."  
  
Duo had chimed in "Yeah, 10 ccs to knock her out, 5 ccs to make he woozy."  
  
Quatre added "And very, very, very horny."  
  
Dorothy snickered as she thanked her friends.  
  
Pagen smirked and said "Very good my fine sirs. Merry Christmas and happy holidays." He then went down to Relena's still unconscious body and roughly threw her into the back of the limo. Pagen then entered the car and happily drove off.  
  
"Do you think she'll survive?" Quatre asked with some concern.  
  
Duo answered "Sure, Cat. Dorothy'll be fine as long as she visits the clinic afterward!"  
  
The four pilots all laughed and re-entered the safe house to continue their merriment. And, yes Virginia, it turned out to be a very late Christmas lunch!  
  
-End Story- 


End file.
